Welcome
This is the first of my monthly blogs where you’ll travel with me through nearly 25 years of living and loving a child through adoption trauma.
The first thing you’ll notice in these articles is an absence of advice; rather, it’s filled with my personal perspectives of a life entrenched in evolving challenges resulting from my son Caleb’s first loss – separation from his biological mother. I’ll also share my daughter Ana’s own struggles and how she was impacted by Caleb’s. I’ll share research and I’ll even ask your opinions from time to time. I hope we will all grow together through my monthly blogs.
If you have children living with adoption trauma,
I hope you will find solace from a kindred spirit.
If you are a caregiver in the mental health care community,
I hope my perspective will provide a different lens to view the significance
of including adoption trauma in discussions on mental wellness.
If you are a member of the adoption and foster care community,
I hope you will put your voice to my words as you counsel and advise
prospective adoptive and foster parents.
Grown from the Heart
Launching this website is an endeavor that has been growing in my heart for many years. While initially conceived 6 years ago, it has taken that long for me to feel emotionally prepared to invite you into the intimate details of the journey I’ve traveled with Caleb and Ana. This continues to be a journey their Dad and I travel with them as they have grown into adulthood.
In this introductory blog, you’ll hear briefly how the past 25 years have prepared me for this place I’m in now… a place of sharing, of advocating. You’ll hear the short story about Caleb’s early diagnoses of symptoms not yet connected to the root cause of his behaviors – separation loss. Also, I’ll share insight into my daughter Ana’s own separation anxiety and how she was traumatically impacted by Caleb’s behaviors. And I’ll share my perspectives along the way.
I invite you into my life of living and loving Caleb and Ana through adoption trauma. And to join me in my mission to raise awareness, educate and advocate for those affected by adoption trauma. In future blogs, I’ll delve into more specifics of how life unfolded as Caleb and Ana’s symptoms manifested, how our family was challenged in new and unexpected ways, how daily struggles brought me to my knees too many times to count, and so much more. Sprinkled along the way, you’ll hear about blessings received many times over.
So get ready for immersion into “Living and Loving Through Adoption Trauma.”
What I Didn’t Know
As early as 1943, psychiatrist Frances Clothier reported “…the ego of the adopted child, in addition to all the normal demands made upon it, is called upon to compensate for the wound left by the loss of the biological mother.” This is the first reference I have found when searching this topic online. That was 50 years before the adoption process began for Caleb. And that was 70-plus years ago from today!
Since that 1943 report was published, numerous research studies from around the world were conducted. Psychiatrists and researchers from the United States, Australia, and the United Kingdom reported additional findings about the traumatic effects of separation loss in adoptees. Way too many to include here.
From irrational rebellion, impulsive behavior, and overt aggression to antisocial symptoms, sexual acting out, and even suicide, the research pointed strongly to the uniquely significant needs of adoptees – needs brought on by separation loss. While not all adoptees display any or all of these symptoms or to a degree that negatively impacts their lives, many do. And Caleb is one who did, as did Ana.
Why I Didn’t Know This
Deaf ears were turned to the mounting evidence that separation loss is the root cause of behavioral symptoms in adoptees. But why? My opinion…if the mainstream population knew of these deeply troubling and expansive behavioral issues, couples and individuals interested in adoption or foster care might change their minds. The number of child placements might drop. And these industries live by the numbers.
But what about the children… my son? My daughter? And us… adoptive and foster parents? And what about family members who are exposed to and have to deal with these behaviors? Transparency of this information could have changed the trajectory of the lives of thousands of adoptees and their families. Early diagnosis and treatment plans could have helped children heal their inner wounds and set them on a better path for happiness, wholeness and healthier lifestyles.
Instead, parents like me struggled to understand the “why” to our children’s extreme behaviors. We mistakenly thought we were bad parents, and that our children just needed more discipline, more boundaries, and greater consistency (like professionals were telling my kids’ Dad and I)… that our children were making a conscious decision to act out. Nothing could have been farther from the truth!
Caleb’s first symptoms of Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) occurred at age 2. His pediatrician quickly told Caleb’s Dad and me that his behaviors were normal and that he’d outgrow them… he just needed more consistency with discipline. At age 4, Caleb was labeled “strong-willed” – again, per the pediatrician – for his obstinance. At age 6, he was diagnosed with borderline attention deficient/hyperactivity disorder. Nothing was ever spoken about trying to understand the “why’s” behind these diagnoses. Every medical professional knew our son was adopted but not one of them connected the dots – that his behavioral symptoms were textbook examples for adoption trauma.
When Ana joined our family, Caleb was 2. I thought we were embarking on the happy family everyone dreamed of… two kids, a son and a daughter – beautifully made and placed in a home that would give them all the love they needed, and then some. But love was not enough.
My Awakening
I call learning the “why” as an “awakening” because my entire perspective on the past changed when I discovered the secret behind my son’s behavioral challenges. My awakening didn’t begin to happen until my son was 16 years old when Caleb was placed in a therapeutic boarding school. Here he was to receive the discipline, boundaries and consistency he needed – or so that was the thinking at the time. (More about this excruciating time later!) His therapist diagnosed him with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). These were terms I’d never heard before.
So I began reading, searching, and documenting everything I could on RAD and ODD. When I hit upon the revolutionary work of Nancy Verrier, M.A., author of “The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child”, my thinking around Caleb’s behavioral issues changed dramatically! Through her exhaustive research-based explorations and explanations, she provided the answers I needed but never knew existed.
I devoured articles and books that helped me better understand the impact on brain development that biological loss (TRAUMA!) has on adoptees. Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.’s book “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” helped me understand the imprint of trauma on the body, mind and soul with visual brain imaging. Another revelation for me… when trauma is experienced, the brain develops differently and functions differently. Subconscious emotions hijack behaviors! When I thought back about all the symptoms Caleb and Ana exhibited, the pieces of the puzzle joined together to create a full picture of the reason “why.”
I also learned about secondary trauma. Ana experienced so many situations due to Caleb’s symptoms and her exposure to them had created secondary trauma for her. Her life has been forever impacted by his symptoms, in addition to her own inner wounds from separation loss.
Strength Found in Knowing
Parents aren’t to blame. Children aren’t to blame. Caleb is not to blame. Ana is not to blame. The process of adoption is, in itself, a traumatic experience that results in inner wounds that are felt subconsciously (“More on this subconscious awareness later.“) Symptomatic behaviors are triggered by actions the children themselves don’t understand. (Again, I must reiterate that not all adoptees experience the same problematic behaviors, and the behaviors are of varying degrees.) This knowledge stunned me, while at the same time provided me with a sense of peace from understanding.
Knowing now what I didn’t know then is a regret that often surfaces in my mind as guilt, and those ugly “what if” mental games ensue. Had I only known… would Caleb’s life be easier today had he gotten an early diagnosis and treatment by a professional trained in adoption trauma? I remind myself that this question provides no substantive value so I must move on, and so I do. I’m still retraining my brain to move on more quickly. But I can’t help but think… yes, it would be markedly better.
And would Ana’s life be easier today? Her Dad and I were too quick to call her expressions of mistreatment by Caleb during the adolescent years as being exaggerations. We short-changed her. She grew up felling less than important. Had we known what to look for and had gotten treatment for Caleb, and gotten early treatment for her, she would be in a better place emotionally today. So, yes, she would definitely be living a healthier life.
As I said, this endeavor to speak and write about adoption trauma has been years in the making. As I’ve educated myself, heard from others, and shared with those that have the capacity to understand, I have grown my resolve to continue to be Caleb’s advocate for his many health needs, for the things he can’t navigate for himself, for interventions that help him be his best self, despite his adoption trauma. Ana needs less advocation from me, but, none the less, I provide my heart and counseling to her without limitation.
Blessed and Grateful
Throughout the past 25 years, I’ve experienced indescribable gut-wrenching pain, as has my family, and especially Caleb and Ana. Even in the most devastating times, my pain has never come close to the pain he has endured his entire life. Through the grace of God, Caleb and Ana are with us today. (More about their health crises later!)
My strength through prayer has grown, manifesting the best for Caleb and Ana, all within God’s timing. It is through God’s grace that I have found consolation, hope and faith that this journey through adoption trauma has deeper purpose than I nor Caleb or Ana can see. With God’s guiding hand, I feel compelled to answer the call to launch openly, candidly, and with full intention “The First Loss.” I believe God has invited me to take my place within the mental health and adoption arena’s, to become an active part of the conversation about adoption trauma that will ultimately serve a greater purpose.
Are You With Me?
I hope this intimate look into the past helps you understand how it shaped my thinking and resolve to use my experiences and perspectives to shine a spotlight on adoption trauma. I’ll be sharing more specifics of my parenting journey through both alarming and beautiful moments in future posts. And I do this all with Caleb and Ana’s permission. They understand and support the need for transparency and inner healing that comes only through awareness, education and advocacy. We are choosing to step out confidently and humbly. Because adoption trauma deserves transparency! We invite you to join us in this critically important calling! What do you say? Are you with us?
If you’d like to receive future blogs directly through email, please share your e-address and first name with me at paula@thefirstloss.com